Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Oh, this man!

In life we come across people cutting across geo-social barriers. Right from the day we take our first breathe to the day we breathe our last. Our life resounds day in and day out by the expression – Oh…

“Oh, what a cute baby!” is normally the first statement that welcomes a new born, as the baby is passed from one hand to other. Oh, is then associated with a person as one passes from one stage to the other in ones life. Good or bad, it shapes the way we reciprocate, the way we shape our actions in order to be accepted, in order to feel part of this society that we live in - very much like Pavlov’s “classical conditioning experiment”. As we gain in maturity, so it seems, we mature only from the perspective of conditioning “Oh” as to how we would like to be perceived by others. All the time pleasing relations, to be able to hear “Oh, what a person!”. An exclamation of a person being accepted as being inherently “Good”. All the time acting - against our will, against our very own self, against what we really are. All the time acting – for a boss with whom we might find favour, for a boyfriend or girlfriend to be accepted as the love in his/her life, for children to be recognized as a parent, for husband or wife to live the pledges taken during the nuptial, for …

The list seems endless, and in the process we have given up our reasoning for living the way we would want to – and I am no different! I have made mistakes just like any other person. But again, these mistakes stem from the fact that I have learnt to please someone and not myself. All the time expecting the good fruits of my actions and never the bad. Even if the intentions were good but somehow if the consequences turn sour I tend to blame the action on myself…of not having tried hard enough. My own thoughts turn negative and I tend to resolve that next time I would try harder. I will try harder to ensure that I please someone who is not me. Never thinking about me, all the time thinking of someone outside of me. And every mistake changed the positive “Oh” expression to “Oh” of disappointment and dejection - a transition from “Oh, what a man!” to “Oh, this man!!”. This transition due to events in my life helped me realize that I no longer need to act for others . No matter how hard you try, every one is conditioned differently and you cannot please all…you just cannot! Once this fact sank in I heard myself say “I need to be ME, just ME for a change”.

Like Newton’s third law, the reaction of finding me might not be positive to all. My Self could also revolt due to the conditioning that I personally have gone through the years gone by. But I have to find myself, go back to the once gifted child. I need to question about my own existence, my purpose in life, my relations, and everything else that I have been conditioned for. In search of truth is not out there, but here within ME.

Monday, July 6, 2009


This morning was meant to be different from other days as I drove along to my office oblivious of the humdrum of the moving traffic, yet somehow aware, listening to music. I always had a varied taste in music and have never laid much emphasis on lyrics, but today was meant to be different. As the tracks changed, my ear caught the line "That never from this day His will they'll take away". The line from the song "Unforgiven" seemed so poignant in a time when I have been contemplating about the very purpose of my life as a husband, as a father, as friend, as a .... As a someone that I never was and as a someone I never will be. All these years I have been a someone to somebody but in reality I have never known me, what I've felt, what I've known, never free, never will be.

But today was meant to be different. Today was meant for an awakening...for how long I don't know but it was a start to realize who am I. My purpose in this life as a husband, as friend, as a father, as a someone to somebody as I would want and not as how I would like them to perceive. "That never from this His will they'll take away".